More Than Words

Thank you for the words that escape my lips.

Thank you for letting me explain what I feel, when my actions cannot express them. As cheesy as it sounds, but this feeling is a universal language, and ironically it can be very confusing just as a foreign language can be. For the times that my actions say otherwise, my words can still direct what I feel. Thank you for letting me say “I love you,” even when I cannot show it.

Thank you for allowing me to share my pain, in ways when I don’t even want to. There are times when I want to punch the wall, or scream at the top of my lungs. There are times when I know nobody in the universe tries to understand me, because it is too busy to noise out my anger. But here you are, and you make the world go quiet. So thank you for silencing the deafening universe, just by saying, “It’s okay. I’m here.”

Thank you for making me feel loved, and appreciated. I have always opened the door for my grandma, and let her come in first. Now that she’s frail, all the more I serve her. One time as I opened the car door for her, she held my hand and whispered, “Salamat, bait.” A tear dropped from my eye as I realized that there are things that go unnoticed, until someone says it out loud.

Thank you for the times when I feel humbled. Thank you for the chances of redemption. When I may be at my worst, words let me repent and remind me of new beginnings. For the wrong actions I may do, the right words can still take them back. Thank you for letting me say, “I’m sorry.”

So for all the times that I am happy, lonely, furious, and desperate. For all the moments that I want to keep and even the ones I want to forget, the words are what make them memorable.

So thank you for the messages we leave behind,
thank you for the conversations etched in my mind.
Thank you for the words that will always be mine.

Ring, Ring.

Ring, ring.

I think about the time between the phone ringing and the time he answers my call, and wonder about the world on his end right now.

Ring, ring.

He’s probably having drinks with Matt. If he is, then it’s probably a bad time. Who’s the wingman tonight? Is it Matt or is it him?

Or is he with Julie? What bad timing. This is such a bad idea. He’s reasoning out why I’m probably calling, while she’s giving him a stare that dares him to pick up his phone.

Ring, ring.

Maybe he’s just having dinner with his mom right now. I shouldn’t bother their time together. Besides, his mom never liked me anyway. He’s going to get called out for keeping his phone on the table again.

Or is he with someone I don’t know?

Ring, ring.

Is it Sunday? He must be sleeping early.

Ring, ring.

I should hang up.

Ring, ring.

But maybe I should…

Ring –

“Hello?”

Coward

I’m scared to say I love you.

If I say it now, I would need to say it again, and again.

I would need to say I love you, when I meant to say thank you. Thank you for washing the dishes for me. Thank you for giving me a ride home. Thank you for noticing my hair cut.

If I say it now, I would need to say it again, and again.

I would need to say I love you, when I meant to say sorry. Sorry for making you wait for me. Sorry I dragged you into this boring party. Sorry I had to cancel tonight because of work. I’m sorry I got mad.

If I say it now, I would need to say it again, and again.

I would need to say I love you, when I meant to say you’re amazing. You have the most amazing eyes. You look amazing in the morning when you’re asleep while the sun hits your skin. You’re amazing at what you do. Everyone thinks you’re amazing. Even when the world is silent, and it’s just you and me – you amaze me.

If I say it now, I would need to say it again, and again.

I would need to say I love you, even when I don’t mean it. It would be a greeting now, it would become a normal thing for me to tell you – And I don’t want that. I don’t want those three words to lose its meaning from saying it everyday. When I say it, I want to always remember what I felt when I would say it to you for the very first time. I want to say it and always remember that night that I knew, and I told you.

I’m scared to say I love you.

But I do.  

Let’s Call Her

Let’s call her beautiful. She has the type of beauty that makes your head turn for a second glance. She has the grace that makes you feel everyone was born with gravity while she floats. Her beauty challenges the space of time because the world would always be in slow motion around her.

Let’s call her a poem. Painting her is not enough for the artist, so you need a poet to describe her thoughtfully. A vision of her does not suffice the complicated yet entrancing personality of hers, and people need to know that too. She’s more than just a character. She’s literature herself.

Let’s call her kind. Among the roster of gentlemen, she chose a good-for-nothing boy like you. Surprisingly, she noticed you first. She makes you feel special. She tells you she’s the luckiest person to have met and have you in her life.

Let’s call her a liar. Because you know she’s not the luckiest; You are.

Let’s call her jealous. She wants your utmost attention, doesn’t she deserve it? Sometimes you’d feel it unreasonable, but she’d make you feel that you never loved her at all – which isn’t true. She makes you want to prove to her that she’s the only girl you would ever call beautiful, the only girl you would skip classes for, the only girl you would give flowers to, the only girl you would ever fall in love with, the only girl you would never fall out of love with.

Let’s call her a fighter. She knows what she wants and gets it. She’s not afraid of making a mistake because it’s always a chance to learn. When there are struggles between you two, she knows it’s just a challenge you need to skip over. She teaches you to be tough. But you know she will always be tougher than you.

Let’s call her mad. It feels like the end of the world when she’s frustrated. She doesn’t want to understand, she wants to be understood. She does not settle for less, she knows what she deserves. She is not crazy, but you will be. You just want everything to be right for her, and that will be your downfall.

Let’s call her heartbreaking. Because after all that has happened, everything she’s done and everything you’ve done, you still couldn’t make it last. Despite trying to be tough for her , you were meant to break. Because when you know she’s given up, you know it’s over and you can never get her back. There’s nothing more painful than accepting her words, “We’re better off this way.”

Let’s call her a lesson learned, because as of this moment, that’s all that she will ever be to you. You inhale all the lessons you’ve learned with her. There are too many things she taught you, too many good moments she shared, too many reasons to say thanks. You want to tell her, “Hello. I’m not mad. I’m going to be okay. I’ll be fine.”

So let’s call her.

Hello

Smile and wave hello

to the one who has my heart –

and never returned.

Let’s go.

Let’s go and run away.

Let’s stop thinking –

about everyone,

and everything,

and just go.

Let’s go.

 

 

Let’s go to a place where there is only us.

We’ll be a million miles away,

where there will only be you and me.

We’ll dance to my favorite Michael Jackson song,

and battle, and trip, and laugh amongst ourselves.

We’ll belt out your favorite musical,

And no one else can sing our duet.

 

 

Let’s be a million miles away,

my love.

Let’s run away from goodbye.

Let’s run away and let our hearts lead.

Let’s go where our souls can be as one.

 

 

If you need to go ahead, that’s okay.

I’ll be there.

I’ll be there with you.

If I need to wait, that’s all right.

I’ll be there.

I’ll be there with you.

I will run a million miles away.

 

 

And we’ll be there.

We’ll be here.

A million miles away.

 

Revival

He takes a knife

He cuts me slowly

To know I bleed –

I bleed for him.

H

Where is she?

I need to go soon.

 

I guess I can still wait a little longer

I’ll save my energy until she gets here.

 

All my life, I’ve been so patient.

I always wait for her to come home.

 

I welcome her with open arms

To always make her know how much I love her

When she comes home from a tiring day

Or from a day with someone else

Who doesn’t love her as much as I do.

 

I can still be a little patient tonight.

 

Where is she?

I need to go soon.

 

I hope she’s all right.

Or does she still need me to snuggle with her tonight?

 

I hope she will be all right.

Else I won’t have the courage to say goodbye.

 

I won’t be there to comfort her

When she feels alone

I won’t be there to ask for her food

Or clean up the plate when she’s done

I won’t be there to make her laugh anymore.

 

Where is she?

I need to go soon.

 

I hope she comes to me soon

Because I don’t think I can wait any longer.

 

I hope I’ll be all right.

I don’t need strangers.

I just need her tonight.

 

Where is she?

I need to go soon.

 

I hope she comes to me soon

Maybe I can wait a little longer?

 

How much longer?

Maybe I can rest a little before she sees me.

Just a little –

 

Just a little rest.

And I’ll see her soon.

 

I’ll see her soon.

 

 

Going Away and Taking You With Me

The bell rang. Thank God it’s lunch, meaning I survived half of the day. I don’t have to pretend to listen to teachers. During lunch break, I just pretend to listen to my friends. There’s nothing wrong with them, really. I like my set of friends. I just find it difficult to always give my full attention to different people blabbing gossip about strangers I don’t care about.

Sometimes, I wish I could just fly with my thoughts. I want to be outside. I want to be at the ocean.

As I walk along the halls towards the cafeteria, we stop by each of my friends’ lockers, like picking them up until we’re all complete for lunch. I guess we’re really close that way. All my friends say hi and wave hello to classmates along the way. I’m usually friendly like all of my friends, but these are the days I just don’t want to be the social butterfly I’m expected to be. I put my earphones on and I hope they get the sign I’m not in a friendly mood today. I hit play when I find the right soundtrack in my playlist – Everything by Ciudad. The best I can give to people right now are soft half-hearted smiles. My friends don’t seem to mind and the crowd doesn’t seem to notice. But the moment I see him coming our way, I quickly drop my smile. I look down on my shoes trying to control my pace as I secretly steal a look. He doesn’t see me. He pretends not to. I continue walking.

I take my seat at the lunch table with my friends whom I’ve been sitting with since freshman year, eating the same stuff they’ve been serving us since the golden age. Some things never change. My friends start the blab. I start my pretence while I peel the napkin off my utensils. It’s become a reflex of mine to glance at his table. He sits in his usual spot, the same old table with the same old friends. While his friends are busy laughing their heads off at some toilet humor, he leaves the table. I see him head to the exit, but he looks at me first and signals me to go out.

As I go through the door, I see him waiting for me outside. He’s leaning back at the same bench where he always waited for me. The sun hits his hair just right to make it shine its usual glow. His gaze looks up to me slowly from the floor. He flashes a smile. I get the familiar butterflies. “Wanna get out of here?” he asks and gently grabs me by my wrist.

He runs and leads me to his car. He starts his engine when I ask, “Where are we going?” He slowly backs up his car and he says, “To the ocean.”

I can never know how he knows what I want, and when I want it. I can never know how he knows when I want to have a road trip or just lock myself in my bedroom and watch Ghibli films. I can never know how he knows when I’m just too shy to get the last piece of pizza, and when I’m too full and he needs to finish my plate. I can never know how he knows when I try to be strong and keep pushing, and when I just want to give up. I can never know how he knows.

I watch him drive as I try to decipher everything in my head, and I get surprised as he reaches for my hand and intertwines his fingers with mine – I let him. Familiarity strikes me. I get comfortable. I don’t remember how many times we’ve done this together before, and until now I don’t picture doing this with anyone else.

We were driving in silence for a while just listening to Ebe Dancel in his playlist. I’m not sure if he remembers it was me who put it there.

“So what are you planning after graduation? It’s only a few months away.” I ask.

“Me? Still the same plan. Nothing changed.”

“Oh.”

“And you? Did anything change?”

“… A lot.”

He stops the car as we reached the ocean. He takes off his seatbelt when he looks at me intently and asks, “Ready to test the waters again?”

“No, I’m just here to see it.”

 

 

Silid (Part 2)

Andito parin ako naiwan mag-isa sa kwartong tinawag nating atin. Pinipigilan kong huminga para hindi mawala ang amoy na iniwan mo. Naririnig ko pa ang iyong boses na tumataginting sa mga pader. Kaya tinatawag kita.

Tinatawag kita. Binibigkas ang pangalan mo ng paulit-ulit. Nagbabakasakaling nakasandal ka lang sa pinto at naririnig mo parin ako. Nagbabakasakaling sumagot ka sa iyak ko.

“Naririning kita. Tahan na. Di mo kailangan sumigaw. Sa tagal-tagal nating magkasama, memoryado ko ang tinig mo. Andito lang ako. Andito lang ako sa labas, naghihintay sayo.”

“Patawad. Patawarin mo sana ako. Alam kong kaya mo akong mawala sa buhay mo, pero ayokong mawala ka sakin. Huwag kang magpaalam. Magpaalam. Patawad.”

Ngunit ang tanging nakakarinig sakin ay ang bintilador sa ating kisame. Nagbabakasaling maipasa ng hangin ang mensahe ko para sayo. Nagbabakasakaling marinig mo pa ang mga salitang dapat sinabi ko noon pa – Noong andito ka pa.