Going Away and Taking You With Me

The bell rang. Thank God it’s lunch, meaning I survived half of the day. I don’t have to pretend to listen to teachers. During lunch break, I just pretend to listen to my friends. There’s nothing wrong with them, really. I like my set of friends. I just find it difficult to always give my full attention to different people blabbing gossip about strangers I don’t care about.

Sometimes, I wish I could just fly with my thoughts. I want to be outside. I want to be at the ocean.

As I walk along the halls towards the cafeteria, we stop by each of my friends’ lockers, like picking them up until we’re all complete for lunch. I guess we’re really close that way. All my friends say hi and wave hello to classmates along the way. I’m usually friendly like all of my friends, but these are the days I just don’t want to be the social butterfly I’m expected to be. I put my earphones on and I hope they get the sign I’m not in a friendly mood today. I hit play when I find the right soundtrack in my playlist – Everything by Ciudad. The best I can give to people right now are soft half-hearted smiles. My friends don’t seem to mind and the crowd doesn’t seem to notice. But the moment I see him coming our way, I quickly drop my smile. I look down on my shoes trying to control my pace as I secretly steal a look. He doesn’t see me. He pretends not to. I continue walking.

I take my seat at the lunch table with my friends whom I’ve been sitting with since freshman year, eating the same stuff they’ve been serving us since the golden age. Some things never change. My friends start the blab. I start my pretence while I peel the napkin off my utensils. It’s become a reflex of mine to glance at his table. He sits in his usual spot, the same old table with the same old friends. While his friends are busy laughing their heads off at some toilet humor, he leaves the table. I see him head to the exit, but he looks at me first and signals me to go out.

As I go through the door, I see him waiting for me outside. He’s leaning back at the same bench where he always waited for me. The sun hits his hair just right to make it shine its usual glow. His gaze looks up to me slowly from the floor. He flashes a smile. I get the familiar butterflies. “Wanna get out of here?” he asks and gently grabs me by my wrist.

He runs and leads me to his car. He starts his engine when I ask, “Where are we going?” He slowly backs up his car and he says, “To the ocean.”

I can never know how he knows what I want, and when I want it. I can never know how he knows when I want to have a road trip or just lock myself in my bedroom and watch Ghibli films. I can never know how he knows when I’m just too shy to get the last piece of pizza, and when I’m too full and he needs to finish my plate. I can never know how he knows when I try to be strong and keep pushing, and when I just want to give up. I can never know how he knows.

I watch him drive as I try to decipher everything in my head, and I get surprised as he reaches for my hand and intertwines his fingers with his – I let him. Familiarity strikes me. I get comfortable. I don’t remember how many times we’ve done this together before, and until now I don’t picture doing this with anyone else.

We were driving in silence for a while just listening to Ebe Dancel in his playlist. I’m not sure if he remembers it was me who put it there.

“So what are you planning after graduation? It’s only a few months away.” I ask.

“Me? Still the same plan. Nothing changed.”


“And you? Did anything change?”

“… A lot.”

He stops the car as we reached the ocean. He takes off his seatbelt when he looks at me intently and asks, “Ready to test the waters again?”

“No, I’m just here to see it.”



Going Away and Taking You With Me

Silid (Part 2)

Andito parin ako naiwan mag-isa sa kwartong tinawag nating atin. Pinipigilan kong huminga para hindi mawala ang amoy na iniwan mo. Naririnig ko pa ang iyong boses na tumataginting sa mga pader. Kaya tinatawag kita.

Tinatawag kita. Binibigkas ang pangalan mo ng paulit-ulit. Nagbabakasakaling nakasandal ka lang sa pinto at naririnig mo parin ako. Nagbabakasakaling sumagot ka sa iyak ko.

“Naririning kita. Tahan na. Di mo kailangan sumigaw. Sa tagal-tagal nating magkasama, memoryado ko ang tinig mo. Andito lang ako. Andito lang ako sa labas, naghihintay sayo.”

“Patawad. Patawarin mo sana ako. Alam kong kaya mo akong mawala sa buhay mo, pero ayokong mawala ka sakin. Huwag kang magpaalam. Magpaalam. Patawad.”

Ngunit ang tanging nakakarinig sakin ay ang bintilador sa ating kisame. Nagbabakasaling maipasa ng hangin ang mensahe ko para sayo. Nagbabakasakaling marinig mo pa ang mga salitang dapat sinabi ko noon pa – Noong andito ka pa.

Silid (Part 2)

Silid (Part 1)

“Hello. Nakausap mo na ba?”

Ito ang unang bumati sa akin nang sinagot ko ang tawag sa aking telepono. Pinilit kong sinilip ang orasan sa aking kwarto: 6:05AM.

“Uy ano? Nakausap mo na ba?” Tinanong niya ulit ako, ngulit wala parin akong masagot. Dahan-dahan akong umupo sa kinahihigaan ko para tingnan ang kabilang bahagi ng kama. Mukhang maayos. Masyadong maayos; na para bang may taong gumugol ng oras para itiklop at ituwid ang bawat gusot; na para bang wala pa ni kailanmang humiga sa bahaging iyon ng kama”.

“Uy… Ano na?”

“Nakaalis na siya…” Iyan lang ang nasabi ko. Narinig ko ang kanyang malalim na hininga sa kabilang linya. Hindi ko alam kung naintindihan niya ang lungkot sa aking boses. Tumitig na lang ako sa patay na telebisyon.

“Alam mo, maayos niyo naman ‘yang problema ninyo eh. Basta kausapin mo siya. Huwag ka nang magtago ng nararamdaman mo kasi dapat sinasabi mo talaga ‘yan sa kanya. Alam mo naman iyon eh, ipa-intindi mo lang. Sa tingin ko maliit lang naman na problema ‘yan eh. Nalagpasan ninyo nga ang mga mas malalaking…”

Ngunit hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita. Hindi na ako makapag-isip. Hindi ko masabing iba ito. Iba na ngayon. Dahan-dahang gumala ang aking paningin sa mga nawawala sa kwarto. Kulang na ang mga nakahilerang sapatos sa may pintuan. Mag-isa na lang ang naghihintay na pares ng tsinelas sa labas. Wala na ang mga paborito mong hikaw na tinatago mo sa ilalim ng iyong unan. Wala nang nakakalat sa aking mesa kung hindi ang iniwan mong susi ng ating silid. Aking silid.

“Hello? Nakikinig ka pa ba? Sige ka. ‘Pag hindi ka nagsalita, iiwan ka niyan. Balitaan mo na lang ako, ha? Bye.”

Pinutol na niya ang tawag at ako’y naiwang pinapanood ang kwarto kong kulang-kulang na.

Kulang ka.

Silid (Part 1)

One Moment

And right before we departed,

There was

That one instant moment

We looked at each other’s eyes –

And I thought

We both changed our minds.

That you were gonna stay.

That it wasn’t going

To be our last embrace.

But right before we departed,

There was

That one instant moment

When your arms felt loose –

And I knew.

I knew

You didn’t change your mind.

One Moment

Chasing Somewhere


The sun still has not set


The stars have not manifest



Alarm clocks have not rung

And the song is still unsung



She hasn’t grown a year old


Bedtime stories are still untold



Students are still inside

Comprehending how’s and why’s



He hasn’t tucked her into bed


The clock isn’t over turning yet.



I run and chase back the time

To somewhere you are still mine.

Chasing Somewhere


It is said that us fairies are so small in size that we can only feel one emotion at a time. And ever since I met Peter, all I felt was admiration.

I had been in love with Peter since I can remember. You could call me a fool. Fairies were supposed to just stay with their families. Humans posed as grave threats for us fairies. But when I saw Peter stalking in the woods with his band of lost boys, I couldn’t help but to be amazed. He was a very rugged boy, older than all the lost boys. His stance and movement summoned the boys to follow him and his orders. His expertise in sword fight made him notorious especially for pirates. His charm and good looks had always captivated the mermaids, and without blinking – they would kill for him. He was like an urban legend for the rest of Neverland, because nobody believed anyone could be as good as he was said to be. Tiger Lily knew better though. She and Peter had been close even before I had met the pack. Truth be told, I had never been fond of her. All I could feel for her was jealousy. But little did I know jealousy, until Peter met Wendy.

Wendy was really… Normal. Until the end, I didn’t understand what Peter, or any of the boys, saw in her that made her special enough to go home to Neverland with us. Why did Peter ask her to be the mother of the boys? Why did Peter reveal the beautiful secrets of Neverland to a foreign girl? She was nobody until Peter gave her notice. She was just someone who knew how to sew.

I wondered, if I weren’t so tiny, would Peter have noticed me? Would he have finally loved me? Could I have made Peter as happy as how Wendy had? But though he could never see me as how he saw Wendy, I loved him still. I loved him constantly.

Wendy chose to grow up. Before Peter and I left, Wendy asked, “You won’t forget me, will you?” “Never,” Peter replied. But I knew it was a lie.

As she returned to her family, Peter looked at me and whispered, “Let’s go home, Tink.” That was one of the rare moments he looked me in the eye. I finally had Peter all to myself. There was not even one lost boy for Peter to take care of. Not even Hook to keep him distracted. No boys. No Wendy. There was nobody else but me. As I flew with him side by side, I looked at his eyes and I recognized sadness. In return, I felt sad too.

When there was no more Wendy or the lost boys, Peter changed. When we came home to Neverland, he didn’t leave his bed for days. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Peter was so absent, that winter fell to Neverland. Winter came as cold as he was. This season wasn’t good for Neverland, even for us fairies. We didn’t have enough warmth in our bodies to stay alive in this deep of winter.

One by one, fairies fell like kids stopped believing we existed. New fairies didn’t last long, either. If winter didn’t end soon, fairies would be extinct. I tried to care for him, but he shooed me away. He didn’t want to see me. That didn’t stop me though. I still watched him even when he slept. I flew close to him and saw his loneliness despite being asleep. I fixed his hair from his eyes and stared at the boy who Wendy needed to take care of. I whispered in my teeny tiny voice and asked, “You won’t forget me, will you?”

I walked away as a tear fell from my eye. In my heart, I knew the answer.

I traveled to London and I found the familiar window. I knew they would’ve left the window open for Peter, just in case. To my surprise – it wasn’t. I had to sneak in through the hinges to make it inside their nursery. I saw Michael, John and the lost boys all together sitting in one big table as they did their own things. I had never seen the boys so well-behaved and neat. They didn’t notice me enter the room and exit to the halls.

I flew around the house and looked for Wendy. And when I examined her, she changed. Her change was not similar to Peter. She wasn’t sulking in her bed; She was humming. Wendy waltzed around the room as she combed her hair incessantly. She seemed to grow a day quicker than other girls.

Wendy noticed me, and was terribly shocked and terrified. She was struck dumb. She gawked at me curiously, not knowing how to react – And that was when I knew. I knew she had no memory anymore. She grew up.

How could she do this to Peter? How could she grow up? Peter would be back for her for spring-cleaning, only to find out the Wendy he came for wasn’t here anymore. Peter would be miserable.

I couldn’t let that happen.

With all the pixie dust I had, I showered myself upon Wendy. Dust by dust, I sprinkled every bit of memory I had with Peter. I closed my eyes tight, hoped and wished that every piece of me would be poured over to her. I remembered all the emotions I had felt – the amazement when I first saw Peter, the excitement from all the adventures together, the fear when he fought against Hook, the jealousy for Wendy, the hatred I hid, and the love I felt. As Wendy started to feel all the memories rushing in her, I start to not feel anything at all. I lied myself down on her side table and watched my wings fade its light.

I smiled as I saw Wendy smile. It was the same look I had when I thought of Peter. Wendy now had all my happy thoughts. At least, somehow, somebody would tell the story about the boy who wouldn’t grow up, and a fairy who loved him.

Michael believed longer than the other boys, though they jeered at him; so he was with Wendy when Peter came for her at the end of the first year. She flew away with Peter in the frock she had woven from leaves and berries in the Neverland, and her one fear was that he might notice how short it had become; but he never noticed, he had so much to say about himself.

She had looked forward to thrilling talks with him about old times, but new adventures had crowded the old ones from his mind.

“Who is Captain Hook?” he asked with interest when she spoke of the arch enemy.

“Don’t you remember,” she asked, amazed, “how you killed him and saved all our lives?”

“I forget them after I kill them,” he replied carelessly.

When she expressed a doubtful hope that Tinker Bell would be glad to see her he said, “Who is Tinker Bell?”

“O Peter,” she said, shocked; but even when she explained he could not remember.

“There are such a lot of them,” he said. “I expect she is no more.”

I expect he was right, for fairies don’t live long, but they are so little that a short time seems a good while to them.

Wendy was pained too to find that the past year was but as yesterday to Peter; it had seemed such a long year of waiting to her. But he was exactly as fascinating as ever, and they had a lovely spring cleaning in the little house on the tree tops.




I don’t know where this goes, but let’s go.

Let’s leave as quick as our hearts beat right now.

Let’s run until the sun tries to chase us.

I’m nervous so just take my hand.

I’m excited so don’t make me wait.

Don’t make me change my mind.

So let’s go.